Of Books and Questions
by BerkieLynn
Summary: Kate shares the story of how she came to read Castle's books with him. But that's not all that she wants to talk about. Set an undetermined period of time down the road, established relationship.


A/N: Some of this is my headcanon of how Kate came to read Castle's book so I ask you just come along for the ride.

* * *

She had been a little too quiet all week, a little more withdrawn than usual. Castle had been with her long enough (in both a working and romantic relationship) to know that she did this sometimes when she was processing something personal so he'd given her space, knowing that she'd come out of it. And he knew how to gently prod if she stayed bottled up too long. But then, they went home separately a few too many nights in a row. They'd spent nights apart, sure, but usually no more than one or two at a time.

It had been four days since he'd woken up next to her. He decided that it was time to prod.

"I can't do this anymore today. I'll see if CSU has anything new in the morning and go from there," Kate was saying as he tuned back into the conversation. A perfect segue. He waited quietly as she put away files, gathered her things, shruged into her jacket.

"Hey, do you wanna…" they both broke off mid-sentence as they realized they were talking in unison. They chuckled and he was grateful to see the wide smile on her face, her eyes soft, giving him the look that he knew was only for him.

"Ladies first," he said, gesturing her to go on. Hoping her sentence was going to end the way his was.

"I was just gonna see if you wanna grab some dinner and come over?"

"What a coinky-dink, that's just what I was gonna say." His eyes crinkled with the joy of his smile.

"Well, I asked first so we're going to my place." She stepped closer to him and whispered, "A little less traffic there," a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

There was his Kate. "Yes, ma'am, whatever you say," he replied soberly. The answer earned him an eye roll but they were both smiling.

"Damn right. Let's go." She held out a hand and he slipped his into it as they walked to the elevator.

They picked up Italian and laid out a feast on the coffee table, forgoing the dining table in favor of the more comfortable sofa. He looked at her in profile as they were opening cartons and pouring wine; she had that little worry line between her eyes again, the playfulness she was showing at the precinct had receded.

He placed a hand over hers as she was reaching for utensils. She turned annoyed eyes to him but he forged ahead anyway. "You okay?"

She looked away, took her hand from his and continued its journey to the fork. "Yeah, it was a long day."

"I don't mean today, you've been really quiet for the better part of a week. We haven't been in bed together for almost five days." She fidgeted with the fork as he spoke, twisting her fingers around it. "So, what's up?"

She sighed, swallowed, took a deep breath and sighed again. "I, uh, I want to talk to you about something and I've been trying to figure out how to say it." Now it was his turn to be quiet. Where on earth was she going with this? She dropped the fork on the table and sat back on the sofa. Another sigh escaped her lips, though it sounded more like she couldn't catch her breath. She shifted her position to face him, tucking a leg, lifted her face but didn't meet his eyes.

"Have I ever actually told you about the first time I read one of your books?"

"No." It was said very quietly, almost straining out of his throat. The tone was not lost on Kate, she was scaring him. She caught his eyes before continuing to speak.

"It was about 9 months after my mother's murder. My college roommate, Mandy, was reading the Storm series and she said I would really like it. I took one look and gave it back to her. The last thing I wanted to read about was fictional murder when I had dealt with a real one. She insisted, said that maybe reading about a murder that gets solved would help me. I told her 'thanks but no thanks.' She left Deadly Storm on my nightstand. It stayed there for 2 weeks collecting dust. And then, one night when I couldn't sleep, I cracked it open. I read that book in 6 hours flat, skipped my first class of the morning to finish it."

He smiled at the image of her curled up next to a bed side lamp, pouring over his words. Maybe idly twisting a lock of hair as she read.

She could see that her story had lead him to seeing one in his head, his eyes had become unfocused. She touched him on the arm to bring his eyes back to hers. She couldn't help but smile; she had fought the "muse" designation for so long but she honestly loved seeing how she could inspire him. "Anyway, after that, I devoured the series. And then read the standalones waiting for the next Storm novel to come out. Because Mandy was right, they did help. When we were getting nothing from the police about my mother, the novels always wrapped up in a nice neat bow. It's true that I got into police work because of what happened to her but the thing I never told anyone until now is that you get part of the credit, too. I wanted to give people what your novels gave, an ending. I wanted them to be able to close that chapter of their life in the way that I couldn't. I was floundering after I lost my mother; I had no sense of direction. Your books gave me that." She touched his face, running her fingers over his cheekbone and laying her hand along his jaw. "You gave me that."

He swallowed the knot in his throat and blinked back the moisture in his eyes. "You're welcome." He reached out for her and she came easily, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around his neck as his wound around her waist. They sat like for a minute, just holding each other.

She pulled away first, bringing her face so close to his that his eyes took a moment to refocus. "That's, uh, not all that I wanted to talk about though." She sat back, her eyes downcast again. She took another deep breath but this one seemed to steady her and there was no sigh before she spoke again.

"Your books saved me when you didn't even know me and the actual you saved me when you did. You've saved me from myself more times than I want to admit to. And I'm hoping that you'll want to be there to save me for the rest of your life."

He held his breath, almost certain of what she was headed toward, but not fully believing it.

"I was wondering if you'd marry me?"

Castle was floored. Out of all the things that he had considered she was working through, this wasn't one of them. He needed a minute to gather his thoughts so he stood up and turned his back to her, his hand over his dropped jaw.

This was pretty much her worst case scenario. She'd been playing them all out in her head for the last week. They ran the gamut from "yes, let's have sex to seal the deal" to, well, this. Him turning his back and leaving her for asking such a crazy thing. She deflated. She willed the tears to not well up but she wasn't sure how long she could hold them back. Hopefully long enough for the door to close on his exit.

She didn't notice when he turned back around but when he saw her, his stomach dropped. She looked like a lost, lonely child. Her head was down but he could still see tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. That knot was back in his throat but he managed to choke out, "Kate."

"Just go." Her voice was trembling and she didn't look up.

"Go?" he asked incredulously. "Why would I go?"

"Because I'm an idiot and I'm crazy for even suggesting such a thing."

"Yeah, you are crazy. That's one of things I love about you."

Her head snapped up at that comment, one of the tears slipping down her cheek.

"I've spent the last week thinking that you were pulling away from me. I even entertained the idea that you didn't want to be with me anymore. If I had known that this is what you were processing, I would have left you alone for as long as you needed." Her breath was coming quick and shallow as she let him continue. "I would have married you the second week I knew you. I've told you you're extraordinary multiple times and meant it every one of them. I love you so much more than I can explain; even I don't have words for it sometimes." That elicited a smile from her. He held out his hands, she took them and he pulled her to her feet. He cradled her face in his hands, looked deep into her eyes and answered, "Katherine Beckett, I would love nothing more than to marry you."

Her face split into a grin and she kissed him with all the passion in her. Poured all of her love and hopes and dreams into the kiss, told him volumes without speaking. He replied in kind, answering that he would continue to be there for her, that nothing could keep him away.

They were both saying that they would always be there to save each other.


End file.
